he is there,
but not really.
he was mine,
but not really.
i never really had him,
so i never really lost him.
i guess this is how we'll always be.
i had him,
he had me,
but then again...
not really.

excerpts from a broken heart #1

i was going through some old stuffs yesterday and found some remnants of my once mutilated heart. and here is one of the broken piece.

Life or shall I say love is really mocking me these days… for weeks now, I have been suffering from recurrent heartaches from a guy who in fact has never been mine.

I just had the greatest dream of my life about him last night, and it felt so real…so real that I can feel his touch and even smell him. Until now I can still feel the passion of his embrace, the way he held my hand telling me I’m his and the way he looked at me—so intense. In my dream he made me feel so special more than he used to back then.

When I woke up, I was definitely not in the wrong side of the bed. I started my day right, but not until I took a shower when it dawned on me that it was just a dream… Then reality sank in and my misery started. Yes, it felt real, but it was just a dream, and will only be a dream. It hurt so badly. I felt my heart shattered.

I know that whatever it is that we have, was really not meant to be and I accepted that fact from the day we last saw each other. But the pain still lingers. I really want it over and done with, but I just don’t know how

Let me just huff something about this guy. Aside from the fact that he has a cool taste of music, really musically inclined, which by the way is a major turn on. I don’t know if he is naturally extra sweet and caring, not to mention his undeniable charm, wit and humor that instantly made me fall head over heels crazy for him, coz if he is, then my bad—I was really caught off guard. But something tells me that he was just leading me on, and if he did, then I was so stupid not to notice. If only I could’ve been wiser, then I wouldn’t be suffering from this tormenting pain. Oh well, I guess this crap would make me stronger and help me with my struggle in all sorts of heartaches that I still have to experience anyway.

It’s getting late and am about to go to bed. I just hope this time my dreams will come true though. Sweet dreams!

the mayonnaise jar and the coffee

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life."
The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else-the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

lemondrop: When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the coffee...

carlos: "you're crazy"..
nicole: "...and you're beautiful.

When it's real. When it's right. Don't let anything stand in your way.

save our environment

It was exactly 4pm and we were just about to visit the last few houses of Barangay Dawis for our campaign when we noticed a very heavy black smoke in the air. Everybody went out of their house to see it, and no doubt it was “sunog”. My cousin immediately called my aunt who was working near the fire station so she can inform them about the fire. We then decided to go check where the fire was (naki chismax jud)! On our way there, we met the fire truck, we pointed to them where the smoke was coming from and even gave them directions because they were going out of the way and seemed lost. It took us just about 5 minutes to get to the place(we were tailing the fire truck), and to our surprise, it was not at all “sunog”. The owner of the place was burning RUBBERS! The firefighters reprimanded them, pero walay nabuhat, ug gitubag ra kahag “wa mi kabalo nga dli pwede”. No house or any structure was burned down but they are definitely adding insult to our very injured environment.

he's gonna be one hot senator!

-"I disagree that I'm on the wrong side. I'm just not on your side."

-"There are no tough opponents in a debate, but only tough issues"

-"Winning doesn't necessarily mean you're right. History will be a better judge of that. But that's the beauty of democracy - you believe what you believe, I believe what I believe..."

-"Wag kayong pumayag na manuod na lamang sa gilid, pumalakpak, ngumiti at kumaway habang hinuhubog ang ating kasaysayan. Sana'y makilahok kayo sa paghubog ng ating kasaysayan."

a ticket to the wimbledon open

For 4 years now, I’ve been pretending to be so focused, and the people around me thought so. They just don’t know that within, I am so messed up. I hope I haven’t kissed drinking goodbye, it could’ve then be easier for me to anesthetize myself and gain momentary tranquil every time anxiety attacks. If only somebody had forewarn me that sobriety could be so boring… but its too late, cause I already detest the taste of beer, and I don’t really go for hard drinks—it’s like gulping rubbing alcohol.

While stuck in the midst of oblivion, my mom keeps on insinuating me to join the fad everyone is crazy about…. NURSING. Initially, I didn’t entertain the thought. I’m not stupid to put all my hard work studying pharmaceutical subjects, memorizing the chemical structures and names, not to mention the mind-draining thesis and having to deal with rabbits, mice, guinea pigs as test animals, which by the way I hate to even touch,and having to go through all the pressure in passing the board exam. It’s hard to put my hard earned degree backstage just to make way for a nursing career and I have my pride as a pharmacist though. So it’s definitely a NO!

As each day passes, I’ve become so unsatisfied with my life, so unfulfilled, at some point I felt useless…. A total loser. I was talking to Mai—architecture graduate (childhood buddy/tennis partner & mentor) one day, when we realized that there are a lot of things that we wanted to do. She wants to go to Greece and experience the romance that Lena (Alexis Bledel; in the movie The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) had, and of course I want to be there to witness all that. We want to swim the beaches of Bali, go Caribbean Cruising, enjoy a white Christmas, have a taste of the different cuisines around the globe, go to Europe, shop till we drop, own a yacht, spend nights in the most expensive accommodation of the only 7 star hotel in the world- Burj Al Arab in Dubai, and top of it all, we want to watch live championship matches at the Centre Court during Wimbledon Open. Our list goes on and on and on, but nevertheless, it’s all about having a secure future… a very secure one indeed.

We know we can’t have all that if we’ll pursue our careers here in our country. Not unless we get to marry “Mr. Deeds” who can finance on everything we want. So I guess that leaves “nursing” as our only option to do all that. And finally after thinking about it for the nth time…whole-heartedly with fingers crossed, we decided to join the fad.